The Self-Care of Letting Go

Are you a family member or spouse caring for your loved one? Have you found that your role has shifted from family member or spouse to caregiver? Do you feel overwhelmed while caring for your loved one? When and how do you decide to place your loved one in the care of someone else and reclaim your role as a loved one or spouse?

The decision to place a loved one in a facility or under someone else’s care is difficult. Do we have the funds? Do we have the time to visit? Am I ready to let go of being a caregiver? And an even tougher question: will my loved one forgive me for allowing someone else to care for them?

As the caregiver, if you start to feel burnout, overwhelming feelings of not caring anymore, resentment, and other emotions that hinder your ability to provide excellent care to your loved one, it may be time to consider placing them in a facility or residential care home. Why? The answer is simple, but the choice is not. Choosing to place them in someone else’s care will allow you to resume your role as their loved one. This decision can help alleviate the resentment, burnout, feelings of indifference, and the overwhelming sense of being alone in this situation.

When considering moving your loved one from their home or yours into a facility or residential care home, there are many options. Which place is the best? Should I make these decisions alone? Do I consider the wishes of the entire family or just my own? This can all be very overwhelming. Here are some things to consider:

1.        Visit multiple facilities and residential care homes in your area to get a good feel for the type of care your loved one will receive. If allowed, talk with other residents to see how they like it there.

2.        Cost. How much will you pay, and what does your loved one receive for the cost of living? What is included in the monthly cost of placement? Do they take insurance, or is it private pay?

3.        If you can, bring your loved one with you. See how they like it. Do they mesh with the caregivers? If it’s a small residential care home, do they feel comfortable in a home environment, or would they rather be in a large facility with many other residents?

4.        Do the caregivers know what they are doing? Again, if it’s a small residential care home, are the caregivers educated on your loved one’s particular needs? Are they compassionate? Do they take the time to talk with you or rush you out the door?

5.        If your loved one is not cognitively impaired, have them help make the decision to place them. Have them assist with asking questions. Let them be a part of this decision-making process.

6.        Ask questions about medication management, diabetes management, mental health issues, schedules, record keeping, and communication between family members and medical personnel.

7.        If considering a residential care home, do they have all the necessities needed for quality of life? Look for wide doors allowing for easy access if in a wheelchair, walk-in showers, hospital beds, possibly wound care mattresses, locking medicine cabinets, and other controls in place.

8.        What are their emergency protocols?

9.        What are their activities or religious events?

10.  Inquire about meals. Can accommodations be made if your loved one follows a special diet? Are meals and groceries included in the monthly rate? Does the facility offer extras such as candy, sodas, and other specialty items that the patient may need or want, or is it up to the family to provide them?

11.  Does the facility or residential care home transport to appointments?

12.  Will the facility or residential care home care for the patient through all transitions, including end-of-life? Does the facility require the patient to move when coming to an end-of-life? Do they allow Hospice in their building?

When visiting facilities and residential care homes, bring a pad and paper with you to write down information and questions. Come armed with prewritten questions. Ask for marketing materials and business cards for each facility.

When you are satisfied that you have visited as many facilities or residential care homes as possible, sit down with your family and loved ones to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each facility. If you have any further questions, do not hesitate to call the facility. You may also want to make another visit to the facility or residential care home you choose before making a final decision.

After all this, why am I considering self-care? It’s acceptable to align your needs with those of your loved one. Statistics show that 1 in 10 caregivers will pass away before their loved one due to stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. Caring for someone you love 24/7 is challenging and overwhelming. Some people view the term self-care as selfish and may experience feelings of guilt and shame for even contemplating placing their loved one elsewhere. These are all natural emotions that deserve attention and support. Remember, taking care of yourself is also taking care of your loved one. Being mindful of this can help alleviate feelings of doubt, guilt, and shame.

Even if you have support, such as a home health agency or other family members to assist in care, looking after your loved one remains very difficult. You are witnessing their decline and may feel isolated. You may not know what to do or whom to speak to. In these circumstances, allowing yourself to choose someone else to care for your loved one is one of the best decisions you can make for both you and your loved one. I know you will find peace in this decision, especially if you follow some guidelines and ensure they are placed in the best possible environment.

Once you have made the placement decision, you may find it helpful to discuss your choice and what comes next with someone. There are many support groups, pastors, therapists, and family members available to listen. Placing your loved one may trigger grief and loss that you weren't expecting. That’s okay. Grief and loss are part of the process. We will explore this matter another day.

I applaud you for reading this article and taking the first step toward finding your self-care in this very difficult situation. Remember, you are not alone in any of this. If you find yourself in this situation, please do not hesitate to reach out for guidance. We are here to answer your questions and assist with the placement of your loved one. We can also offer bereavement counseling. Gretchen Hook, LPC-A, BCC, CALM. Owner/operator of Little Elm Residential Care Home, LLC. 254.314.8340. littleelmrch.com.