Are You Listening?

As loved ones grow older, it's often assumed that they've completed their life stories and have nothing more to share. However, this isn't true. Older adults encounter mental health challenges beyond just dementia or Alzheimer's, such as depression, anxiety, fear, anger, and other emotions we all experience regularly. The key difference? Many older people feel unheard or think they are a burden.

Listening to our elders requires patience, time, and a curiosity that most people lack. In our fast-paced world, our elderly are often placed in nursing facilities and then forgotten. They frequently rely on each other or become completely isolated, feeling unheard and unloved. How we treat our elders often reflects how we treat our other family and friends, and oftentimes, ourselves. So, how can we start to show more respect for our elders? How do we develop the patience we need to truly listen to them?

1.        Volunteer. Sometimes, just the simple act of stepping into a nursing facility and learning about their volunteer program is all some people need to start building meaningful relationships with our elderly. When you sit with them, just listen. Listen to understand and understand to listen. Truly take in what they are saying. Because some of our elders are forgotten and “dumped” into a facility doesn’t mean they are bad people; it means they need someone who genuinely cares about them. Volunteering is a great way to show them you care—not only about them but also about yourself.

2.        Self-Evaluation. If you have an elder in your family that you just can't seem to sit down with and listen to, maybe it's time to evaluate yourself. Are you too busy for others? Is your patience worn thin? Maybe it's time you find someone to listen to you, to hear you, to help you. Seeking a counselor is never a bad idea and it might be just what you need to evaluate how you treat yourself and others.

3.        Adjust your expectations. As adult children, we often assume our elderly parents can still perform the activities they used to. However, due to aging and disabilities, they may no longer be as active. It’s important to lower our expectations and pay attention to what they, along with their doctors, therapists, and caregivers, express about their abilities and needs.

4.        Find a therapist… for your elderly loved one. Often, our elders do not want to burden their families with their issues, no matter how hard we try. That’s okay. Talk to them and see if they would like to speak with someone. Most of the time, our elders prefer to discuss what’s bothering them with someone other than a family member. Don’t take offense; this is entirely normal. Allow your elder to process their lives and situation with someone neutral—someone who can help them, someone who gets paid to sit with people and listen.

5.        Develop a different perspective. This isn’t just for the readers of the Journal, but for all caregivers in facilities and at home. We often become burned out from caring for the elderly. This is called compassion fatigue or burnout. What if we slowed down, practiced self-care, and changed our perspective on caring for our elders? How can we do that? Take a break, see your person or people as actual individuals who need care. How would you want to be treated? Do you want to be heard? Of course, developing a different perspective can be helpful. Seeing your situation in a new light—this is my purpose right now, what God is guiding me to do, my responsibility, and my job. Remembering why you started doing this work in the first place is essential.

As someone who has worked with our elderly population for over 30 years, I understand that we often rush, forget the “why” behind our work, and sometimes just don’t care. I’ve been burned out, suffered from compassion fatigue, and quit. When I realize that I am not doing God’s work or working according to His plan for my life, my life suffers. I started my residential care home because that is what God is having me do. He knows my heart for our elderly and understands that I can share my experiences with you and show you how to get back to caring, listening, and truly hearing. In my residential care home, we take time to listen to our residents, to genuinely hear them. We observe them daily and notice small changes, even in their speech or what they are saying. Every night before bed, we process our day so that our sleep is improved. As a mental health therapist, I listen, help process experiences, and allow my residents to remain their own best life experts. I hope this article has helped you as much as it has helped me. We need these reminders to be gentle with ourselves and others, to hear and be heard, and to slow down—realizing that one day, we might find ourselves in the same situation as our elderly population. It pays to listen.